Part I is
here.
Labor:
It's a 20minute drive to our hospital of choice, and it was in the car that my contractions started for real. What no one (HOW? I READ THE WHOLE INTERNET!!) had warned me about was the SUPERDUPER hot flashes that came with them. I was sitting in the car and having my insides liquify and feeling like i had to poop SO BADLY the whole time. Lovely. I remember clutching the dashboard and taking deep breaths, but i still had mental capacity so i wasn't convinced I was very far along or anything. I never timed them (I'm too laid back about that sort of stuff) but it was the first time I registered them as coming at regular intervals (they couldn't have been more than a couple minutes apart right off the bat.) We got to the hospital and i sat awkwardly in the wheelchair on the way up because it was now maximally uncomfortable to sit.
Into triage we went & I had to sit on the bed with monitors (boo) hooked up to my belly for 20 minutes (the only time i would have to have them). I got into the gown & because i was still bleeding they had me sit on a big pad. My husband gave me my ipod with my hypnobabies tracks on it, but the pain from sitting was just too intense, and i ended up not really listening and instead stripping and asking for ice & cold washcloths because of the heat flashes. I was trying to flail around without destroying the monitor machine (not that i didn't want to), I wasn't able to focus on the hypnobabies pretty much at all, even though i've always instinctively used self-hypnosis for pain. But all i could concentrate on is how I hated the triage nurse for making me be hooked up to these things, and i fantasized about ripping them off, destroying the machine and then going to find someone official-like to scream at for making me go through that.
I made the nurse stop my monitor halfway through so i could go to the bathroom yet again, but she made me finish up when i came back. I could tell she thought i was crazy, and when she finally did the cervical check (OW!) she was pretty much like "Oh!" I was 8cm & 90% effaced. At least then she seemed more compassionate to my whineyness. As i finished up my torture session with those monitors (they hurt my belly (I caught myself trying to claw them off during contractions) & of course sitting was absolute hell) they got the delivery room ready, and they called my midwife, and said it'd be about 20minutes for her to get there. It was about 11:30 when we got to the hospital, by the way.
I met my (AWESOME<3) L&D nurse and i was going between the toilet (For it's positioning at this point) and leaning up against the window sill, rocking my hips & my husband was applying counter pressure. I ended up throwing up before the MW got there and was finaly able to OK me getting into the tub (why do i need permission?)
I just remember the water being SUCH a relief. My contractions slowed down at that point, and i could regain my sanity between them (and that's when i really utilized my hypnobabies stuff (though the nurse put the ipod away)). I felt totally normal between contractions (albeit a little pressure still) and I could regroup. I remember thinking that if i had pitocin & didn't have a break in between, i would
certainly die, if not naturally then by my own hand. :P The contractions started getting stronger, and I spent most of the time leaning over the side of the tub, and each contraction felt like my butt was trying to escape. One reason the pain threw me for such a loop is because i was totally unprepared for where the pain was. I assumed it'd be in my front, but no. It was 100% in my poor butt. I really thought the baby had made a wrong turn somewhere...
The tub i labored in.
(see that closet of gray electronics behind it? I made an accidental basket with one of my wet washclothes in there when i was freaking out over my literal hotness. Woops!
I should mention that my husband, Jeremy, was in the gross tub with me (filled with blood clots & who knows what else at that point!) and was absolutely amazing. He was supporting me and applying counter pressure and being emotionally supportive as well. I actually thought i'd be one of those people who wanted everyone to be absolutely silent and far away while I was in labor, but i actually appreciated the comments of how amazing i was doing and how close we were getting, and I was definitely glad he was holding me the whole time.
Pretty much right away I was snapping at the nurses about getting me more cold washcloths & and i'd flip my shit when someone accidentally hit the button for the jets in the tub (which i also thought i'd love, but i did NOT like the water moving at ALL when i found a position that hurt the least during contractions :p). I'm normally the least demanding person in the world, so between i'd apologize profusely for being short with everyone & i'd try to crack jokes. But then they would come at me with the underwater doppler, which for some reason HURT (i guess at that point everything that was touching my stomach was HURTING) or come at me for a cervical check (i had 3 the whole hospital visit) and i would start crying and trying to get away. Also, whenever she checked me with the doppler, i would have a contraction because of it. Not sure if her pushing on it made that happen, or if her causing me pain made my body tense up & contract, but i HATED it either way.
Also, i'm still not sure how, but I remember my husband always saying "a contraction is coming" before I even felt it. I know that when the doppler was on he noticed the baby's HR slowing right before hand, but he knew even when it wasn't on. I felt like he loved me so much he knew my body better than me when he did that, and so i felt really bad when I yelled at him when he mistook "harder" and "higher" when he was pressing on my back. Sorry, hubs!
After a while (no concept of time that day) I started having the urge to push. Knowing that if i said that, they'd check me first and possibly tell me no... and because i think my body knows better than anyone else, I just kept my mouth shut and let my body push, and no one (except Jeremy, probably) even realized it. I did end up mentioning IV meds a few times, but they kept reminding me i'd have to get onto the bed for it, and as bed labor is my worst nightmare, i kept saying nevermind. Eventually it was too much and i said OK give them to me, please! but they had to check me first to make sure i wasn't more than 8cm.
Of course, she checked me and found a head instead, so I was definitely on my own, as planned! I think part of the reason I gave in and asked for them is because I knew it was too late, but I felt like that would comfort my body – “Hey, at least I tried to get you some relief!” And yes, I’m weird enough for that to actually be my train of thought. Then they started telling me to push and i rolled my eyes because.. uh, I’ll push when my body pushes? I cannot will it to push. Believe me, i tried. They really wanted me to push three times a contraction, but my body would ONLY go twice. I just could not do it a third time, at all. They'd keep saying "Push one more time!!" and all i could say is "Nope, sorry." And I'd collapse back into my husband's arms.
And that's where things started getting frustrating. The head was "right there", but I couldn't get it to move enough. Each contraction it would come out a little, but then go back in. My midwife was trying to stretch me out so i wouldn't tear (i said no episiotomy, though i dont think my MWs do them anyway) and i had no idea how much that hurt!! Suddenly my contractions were a cakewalk when her fingers weren't in there. She had them from both hands & i remember her telling me to push her fingers out over and over again, and me almost crying and asking her to just let me rip in half instead every time. She had me get in "on" my back while in the water (husband behind me, holding me up by the armpits) since the other way wasn't working & so she could stretch me, but that wasn't working either. I was just getting hotter & hotter at this point, i was bright red and just on the verge of passing out (though my nurses were amazing at bringing me cup after cup of cold water between contractions) and she said the dreaded words- that i needed to get out of the tub. i knew I did, though, I bet my temperature was 101* at the LEAST. It was bad. I walked to bed as if it were a walk to a firing squad. She let me try laboring on my side first, but that did absolutely nothing, and i naturally turned onto my back.
Ughhh, laying on my back (well, sorta, half laying, half sitting) on a bed, exactly the way i did NOT want to labor. However, i really was about to pass out in that warm tub & i knew logically that the water was helping the pain but hindering my pushing for some reason, and i was way beyond too tired to try to sit up on my own (on a birthing ball or whatever) so i went with it. I just wanted this thing out! I had 3-4 nurses in there, along with my MW& husband. He was behind me still, holding me up, as i was partially sitting, and the nurses grabbed a leg (they were shaking SOOO bad at this point, I was afraid one would go rogue and smack someone in the face) and my midwife still had her spindley evil fingers in there, stretching and making me scream :p.
I could tell that my pushes were being more productive and I remember her stepping back at one point and saying to a nurse "Look, you can see his head trying to turn!" and everyone was just being loud and cheering me on/pushing me on. It didn't even register to me when they all said he was posterior, and I didn't find it out until later when I felt really terrible about being such a wimp about the pain & not being able to get him out faster, Jeremy reminded me that posterior babies cause labor to be like that. Extra painful, slower, and irregular.
During one push i remember feeling, very distinctly, that my urethra was ripping in half. Another place I did NOT expect to feel any pain so it caught me REALLY off guard. I screamed (well, i had been screaming the whole time, mostly "AHHHH!"s and "MY BUTT IS RIPPING IN HALF"s) and jerked my hand down there instinctively to "keep it together/on" but instead i felt something warm and squishy, and before i could scream again (lol) my midwife said "That's your baby's head!" I had NO DESIRE AT ALL to touch/see baby before it was out all the way- and indeed, after she said that, I somehow seemed to force a contraction to happen, and i screamed some more & pushed his head out all the way- FINALLY! Amazing what a little gross factor can do, haha.
After the head was out, everything is even more of a blur. I don't remember pushing the shoulders out, all i remember is a flash of seeing him laying between my legs, an icky mess for a split second, then he was on my chest and everyone was rubbing him with towels and he was pretty blue, but not the worst i'd seen on homebirth videos or anything. He looked like he was trying to cry, but only a little bit of sound was coming out. It reminded me of when i cry, so i wasn't worried, but everyone else was. I then remember my midwife cutting the cord (and i knew she knew i wanted to let it finish pulsing so i knew what was about to happen) and they took him across the room (normally they wouldn't have done that for hours in my hospital) and i heard something about them trying to get him to breathe. I told my husband to go be with him and i collapsed onto the bed as they wheeled the baby out to SCU to get him on some Oxygen.
I was pretty out of it, apparently. J said when i talked to him i'd just say one or two words, slurred. I remember the placenta coming out without me pushing, and me being so relieved that it didn't take effort or more pain. I remember my MW looking like she was sewing me up, but right afterwards she said i had no tears, just a small skidmark or two no stiches needed, so i still don't know what she was sewing. I couldn't think well enough to ask, which itself is very uncharacteristic. I never really grew out of the "Why?" stage (thank goodness.)
But I must say, my Midwife, Jalana of Good Samaritan's Lifestages, was AMAZING. So incredibly kind and supportive, she made sure I got the birth I wanted, even when pain made me say otherwise. She ignored my angry screams and kept working and made sure I didn't tear, which I am still very appreciative of. The skidmark I had made my life miserable (...when I went to the bathroom.) enough as it was. I'm very sad that my next baby will be born elsewhere and I wont be able to have her again. :(
I assume that my out-of-it-ness was because of my hypoglycemia (and the fact I had thrown up my day's sustenance before labor started & been too busy to eat anything else (I was "allowed" to)) on top of the physical exertion and shock from the pain. I asked my nurse how long it was, and she said I had been in the hospital about 2 hours, and pushing for 30 minutes. My grandma was only in labor with one of her kids for 45 minutes, so I was slightly disappointed. I blame that on the posterior positioning, though! Next time, dangit! I'mma push that kid out in 43 minutes!
(And yes, I know that I actually went super fast, especially for my first, but my grandma likes to brag and so she still has this one on me! She also likes to point out that she only had "three pains" before all her kids were born (also naturally,) so I have to justify the fact that my labor actually hurt, lol.)
Stay tuned for part III, Special Care Unit & The Three Day Hospital Stay.
